Saturday, April 10, 2010

A Decade

I watched my mother die. I was 19 and the process was slow. She held on to life so dearly. She wanted to see the grandson she had been waiting to meet (he was born 14 days later). She wanted to be sure that it was OK to let go, to be sure that her husband and her three children would be OK. Eventually, either she grew tired of holding on or she knew that we would be OK. She died late at night and it was pouring rain.

Do you know what that did to me? It changed me. Forever. For the first few years it just made me sad and mad. I couldn’t (and still don’t) understand why it happened to her. To us. She was a good woman and the best mother. I was always able to deal with my sadness, anger and confusion through words, spoken and written. I always kept a journal. I would visit her grave on April 10th and on Mother’s Day with the journal and write until my hands cramped. I have always talked openly about her death. Now, a decade later, her death has left me with a raw and honest passion. I want to educate people. I want to make a difference.

It is so frustrating to watch people with a “passion” which is really just self fulfillment. Don’t drink the Kool Aid kids! Think outside of the box about education. Every single person needs education regarding cancer. Not just the wealthy. Not just the poor. Not just young or old, male or female. All. This isn’t about you as the volunteer. This is about helping, educating, and changing the world.

Hug your moms, your aunts and your sisters. Let them know you love them. I still let my mother know I love her, everyday.


Hugo's Blog said...


Your words are beautiful, Brianne.
There's love in your heart and on your mind. And we, the lucky ones, the 'chosen', we can feel it, hear it and read it.

Thank you Brianne.
Wishing you a lot of courage to go on, in what you do and what you're missing so deeply.

Our mom left us 6 years ago, (July 10) and I still can't believe it.

There's such an emptiness... Yet still, she's with us, everyday.
We can feel and we can see that, in everything Nina and I do.
We are loved (from heaven), and so is she.

Anonymous said...

Brianne Thank you for sharing your story i lost a aunt very close to me almost a year ago today and i couldn't agree with you more... your words are so honest and powerful thank you for sharing them!!!-shannon Johnson

Rayleen said...

You had a very close relationship with your mom. And somehow, even through this, you have found a way to continue your relationship. She is proud of you & I am sure she would so love to be with you in your pregnancy & birth. Somehow, I am sure you will feel her presence, as you do now. Love you! Rayleen

Mary said...

Hugs. Thank you for sharing your story in this post. I am thinking of you today and your honesty and strength.

janelle said...

you don't know me and teachnically i don't know you either, but i have read your food blog for quite some time and until now; haven't needed to leave a comment. but this post.. i have tears welling in my eyes.

i lost my mum to cancer a week after my 20th birthday. she had lymphoma and her death to, was painful and quite slow. she fought the horrible, sneaky diesese for 5 years and battled on. she even mentioned about a week before she died how she was going to return to work. she was so strong and i hope that one day i am even half as strong as she was.

every day i think of her and every day i wonder how different i would be if she was still alive. it hurt me beyond belief to lose her and greif does not get easier it just becomes different and managable.

that was almost 12 years ago. and the real kick in the teeth is that my dad is dying from AML. he has fought but is losing the battle. this disese they call cancer needs a new name. it is sinister, can attack at any time and should make us all question how we live our lives.

just like you, i tell those i love them at any opportunity.

thank you for sharing your words.